Exposure to toxic behavior in a spouse or partner can profoundly impact one’s emotional, mental, and even physical health. Though no two toxic relationships are identical, all share a common characteristic—the presence of unhealthy behavior that undermines or threatens one partner’s sense of wellbeing.
Toxic behavior can include physical abuse, but it’s important to understand that violence is more than just physical in many unhealthy relationships. According to Elizabeth Johnson-Walsh, Prevention Educator for The Cocoon, a Bowling-Greenbased nonprofit that aids survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse, “Toxic behavior in a relationship is about establishing power and control— over the other partner, over the situation, or over the family. A lot of people define it as manipulation or gaslighting. It can be subtle or very obvious, and the behavior changes according to the specific situation or environment. Even if the behavior turns violent, it will still tend to ebb and flow.”
The toxic behavior Johnson-Walsh and her colleagues see most commonly is some form of belittling that makes the other partner feel he or she is “not enough.” Financial control or manipulation is another common manifestation of toxic behavior, as is attempting to isolate the other partner from friend groups and/ or family. “If kids are involved, the toxic behavior can also bleed into that relationship and how the kids are told to treat the other parent,” Johnson-Walsh adds.
The potential effects of toxic behavior on victims vary widely, but, as Johnson-Walsh notes, there are some throughlines. Many experience a loss of self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness and helplessness. They may be hypervigilant trying to predict their partner’s behavior and feel as though they need to “walk on eggshells” whenever he or she is present. Confusing feelings of being torn are also common. “They love and care about the other person, but they’re being treated so poorly that they don’t necessarily want to be around them. It’s a tough situation to understand and navigate,” she says.
Adding insult to injury, victims of toxic behavior often turn to unhealthy or self-destructive habits, such as alcohol or drug use, smoking, or overeating, to help themselves cope with the untenable situation.
Are people with a particular personality type more likely to end up in a toxic relationship? Not exactly, says Johnson-Walsh. However, there are certain risk factors that seem to increase the odds. “For example, individuals who had an adverse experience in childhood or young adulthood that made them feel unworthy sometimes form unhealthy attachments in adulthood that mirror or replicate that childhood experience,” she explains.
Because toxic behavior is often subtle and tends to shift in character depending on the environment, it can be difficult to determine whether a relationship is toxic—especially for those standing outside it. Johnson- Walsh identifies several red flags that could point to a problem. Here are just a few examples:
• One partner becoming overbearing, making all decisions for the couple or family so that everything starts to seem nonconsensual.
• One partner exhibiting significant mood swings depending on circumstances, for example seeming charismatic and outgoing in some environments but reserved and angry in others.
• One partner isolating the other and taking steps to exclude his or her family and friends.
• The victim making changes to his or her appearance to appease the toxic partner.
• The victim exhibiting significant mood or personality changes that reflect the toxic partner.
It might seem that the best option for someone involved in a toxic relationship is simply to look for a way out, but, says Johnson-Walsh, the right way to move forward really comes down to the people in the relationship. She states, “If the partner who is behaving in a toxic manner is open to listening, accepting accountability, and doing the work that goes into changing, it might be possible to keep the relationship intact. If not, it might be best to get out of the situation.”
Johnson-Walsh emphasizes, however, that in scenarios involving an abusive partner, the point at which the victim actually leaves the abuser can be dangerous, with the risk of stalking or physical harm increasing significantly. This step must be taken with the victim’s safety foremost in mind.
The Cocoon (thecocoon.org) offers a wide range of services and resources to assist survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse, including a free, confidential, 24/7 hotline at 419373-1730. In addition, the nonprofit organization can provide short-term emergency shelter for up to 90 days if appropriate.
“We also have trained advocates available if you just want answers or someone to talk to, as well as community- based advocates who can meet you out in public and safely support you through the process of leaving a toxic or abusive relationship,” Johnson-Walsh says.
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