I OFTEN USE the following metaphor for self-care with my clients: Every time we fly, flight attendants share some variation of the oxygen mask rule, which is, “If the cabin should lose pressure, put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” Why? Without oxygen, you might not be mentally or physically capable of putting on another person’s mask, let alone yours. This analogy is a good reminder to avoid burnout and a multitude of mental and physical health problems, so why do we not then take better care of ourselves?
Sometimes, people don’t engage in self-care because they feel guilty about it. They repeatedly put others’ needs ahead of their own. I often hear, “I feel guilty if I put myself first; isn’t that being selfish”? People often confuse feelings of guilt with feelings of shame. Guilt and shame can feel very similar but are two different emotions and are resolved in different ways. Feeling guilty suggests you did something wrong. The first step to resolving guilt and taking care of self is to make amends, meaning restore justice as much as you can. Second, change your behavior by not doing the thing that is wrong. Feeling shame, on the other hand, suggests, “I am the something wrong.” The first step in resolving shame is to do the thing that brings your shame, meaning make self-care a priority rather than neglecting it. Second, forgive yourself for needing self-care and recognize you’re human who deserves to be healthy like everyone else.
Another explanation is people feel a duty to care for others. These are the people who are always running around taking care of everything and everyone except themselves. Our family structures and work schedules don’t always allow us to care for ourselves appropriately. It takes time and effort to discover what brings us joy and effort to regularly engage in those activities. It takes time and effort to effectively communicate with your spouse and kids about reducing and managing busy schedules, and it takes time and effort to confront your boss about work demands or having a more flexible schedule. Despite the time and effort at first, knowing and believing your worth is a good place to start.
Another reason people don’t prioritize self-care is that we live in a fast-paced society. If we continually ignore all the signs and symptoms of mental and physical burnout and push forward, we will eventually decompensate and “hit a wall.” Doctors don’t always have adequate answers for why we feel the way we do, which can lead to further mental and physical angst. Don’t wait until a crisis hits before you decide it’s time to slow down, change priorities, and allow yourself the time and energy for self-care.
By not implementing adequate forms of self-care, you will eventually experience fatigue, sleep disturbances, reduced mental effectiveness, mood destabilization, and a myriad of health problems including headaches, stomach and gastrointestinal issues, high blood pressure, and chest pain. As our stress levels increase, we tend to make less time or no time at all for self-care; however, the higher our stress levels, the more critical self-care becomes. Self-care is truly critical to being happy, productive, and less stressed. Good self-care starts with having good boundaries, embracing yourself, both your strengths and your vulnerabilities, exercising and playing regularly, knowing what relaxes you, making a checklist of small projects you can accomplish, and reaching out to your support system when you need to.
If you believe that taking care of yourself is selfish, your duty, or too time-consuming, I suggest you try looking for and spending time with people who do value their own selfcare. Surround yourself with positive people and positive messaging. Selfcare is something you have to practice daily, and it’s an ongoing endeavor. Once you start practicing self-care, you’ll be able to show up more fully as mom, daughter, father, son, spouse, and friend. You can’t wait for a life crisis to put on your oxygen mask and perform basic self-care. Breathe in the oxygen every day!
Karen Fritts, LISW-S, is a Licensed Independent Social Worker at The Willow Center and can be reached at 419-720-5800.
