IN THIS WORLD, bad things are going to happen. This a reality that, as adults, we all face throughout our lives. As parents, we hope to shield our children from harmful things. However, no matter how hard we try, our children will inevitably face tough times and difficult situations. This has been made evident by the recent pandemic and the changes/disruptions it has caused everyone. What can we do as parents then? How can we protect our children and make sure they come out of this thriving?
This is where resilience comes into the picture. Resilience is a characteristic that we learn as children to help manage stress, overcome challenges, and cope with huge emotions. Building resilience is very important in helping children become strong, stable, and thriving adults. It is never too late nor too early to start helping your child become more resilient.
Parents can help build resilience in children by helping them create and strengthen their relationships with their peers and the important adults in their lives. Studies have shown that children can face a significant amount of trauma and hardships but become resilient by having even one healthy, stable relationship with an adult they can count on. Like adults, children need a support system, and it is important to help them recognize and establish a strong support system.
Let’s start with the parent relationship. It is important to spend quality one-on-one time with children. Connection can start with doing things together that they enjoy and showing warmth and affection. Parents can connect by talking to their children about their day and engaging with them in activities. Connecting and building a relationship with your children at a young age can model a healthy relationship and set a standard for relationships with their peers and other adults. Parents should also encourage children to socialize in new situations and meet new people. This can be done through engaging in play dates, going to the park, or participating in extracurricular activities. When we encourage new situations and meeting new people, we open the door to possibly “stressful” situations and opportunities for the child to problem solve. With a supportive/healthy adult on their side, children can learn how to overcome and manage that situation or problem.
Another way to help children build and strengthen relationships is to teach them empathy. Teaching children empathy can help them become sensitive to and understand the emotions of others. This is important in teaching them to respond appropriately. Parents can teach empathy by discussing opportunities for their child to express empathy with peers. For example, they can talk with their child about ways to show empathy such as listening, sharing with others, noticing the feelings of others, being nonjudgmental, and finding ways to help others who are struggling.
As adults we sometimes have trouble controlling our emotions when faced with stressful situations. Imagine how much harder it can be for children when they have fewer experiences than adults. It is the responsibility of the parents to help children learn and manage their emotions.
When we are thinking about building resilience in children, it is important to remember that the goal is not to help them feel less, but to help them manage their feelings in a healthy way. Parents can do this by beginning to talk to their kids about emotions and how they react when feeling those emotions. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the hardest thing about your day?” This will open the door to encourage the child to acknowledge and verbalize their feelings. It then creates opportunities to help the child problem solve or cope with the hardships of the day. As parents, we can help children understand that most days will have positives and negatives, and a good outcome is possible despite how things look in the moment. In turn, we are building resilience.
In addition to helping them recognize their emotions and difficult situations, children should also be taught how to regulate their responses. This can be done in several ways depending on the child’s age and developmental ability. Parents can teach children to practice deep breathing when they are experiencing big emotions. It is recommended that the parent do this several times with the child and encourage them to employ the skill on their own when needed. This helps the child learn to calm their physical response to the emotion so that an appropriate solution to the problem can be discussed. Parents can also teach the child that it is okay to take a break from the situation so they can collect themselves and respond appropriately to the emotion/situation. Parents can also help children identify their “mood boosters,” i.e. things they like to do when they are happy. Then encourage the children to use their “mood boosters” when they are experiencing big emotions. These “mood boosters” can include things like playing outside, reading a book, or listening to a favorite song. It is important that parents do not reward/bribe emotional outbursts but instead give children the tools to potentially avoid outbursts.
Part of building resilience in children is helping them learn independence and responsibility. Becoming more independent gives them confidence to acknowledge their emotions and face challenges instead of hiding. To increase independence, parents can start giving children small responsibility tasks based on their developmental ability. For example, elementary aged children can begin making their own lunches, packing for a trip, or helping cook the family meal. Those younger can begin by dressing themselves or choosing what they want for lunch/ dinner. Gradually increase the complexity of the task as time goes by and the child’s skill improves.
By giving them more responsibilities, parents are creating moments of stressful situations and opportunities to problem solve. Parents can then help the children talk through the stressful situation, identify their emotions, and manage those emotions. With the help of a parent, children who are put in stressful or difficult situations can learn to solve their own problems and learn that even when something is stressful, there can be a resolution. This teaches them that the world doesn’t end when something doesn’t go their way.
Resilience can’t be built overnight. Children are constantly growing and facing new situations and issues. Developmental abilities constantly evolve, which presents new opportunities to continue building resilience. It is important to encourage resilience through each stage children enter. Resilience can be built through instruction and discussion. However, it will only truly sink in and be retained if the parent also demonstrates resilience. Parents should model healthy relationships, show empathy, and appropriately manage their emotions. Children do what they see, so it is important they have a healthy, stable adult showing them the way.
By teaching children the skills to solve their own problems, instead of solving their problems for them, parents can give children the skills they need to not only survive, but to thrive in an ever-changing world.
Christine Peters, MSW, is a counselor/parent coach at The Willow Center and can be reached at 419-720-5800.
