GRIEF IS A NATURAL RESPONSE to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Often the pain of loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, like shock or anger, disbelief, guilt, and profound sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to eat, sleep, or even think straight. These are normal reactions to loss, and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.
Coping with the loss of something or someone you love is one of life’s biggest challenges. You may associate grieving with the death of a loved one, which is often the cause of the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, such as a divorce or relationship breakup, loss of health, loss of a job or financial stability, retirement, death of a pet, loss of a cherished dream, a loved one’s serious illness, loss of a friendship, or selling your family home.
Even subtle losses in life can trigger a sense of grief. For example, you might grieve after moving away from home, graduating from college, or changing jobs. Whether the loss of a close friend, a partner, a parent or child, or other relative, few things are as painful as losing someone you love. After such a significant loss, life can never seem quite the same again. But in time you can ease your sorrow, try to look to the future, and eventually come to terms with your loss.
Grieving is a highly individual experience—there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you. Inevitably the grieving process takes time. Grieving happens gradually. It can’t be forced or hurried, and there is no normal timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks and months, while for others the grieving process is measured in years. But whatever your grief experience, it is important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to unfold naturally.
The five stages of grief
In 1969, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced what became known as the five stages of grief. These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, including the death of a loved one or a breakup.
The first stage of grief is Denial—“ This can’t be happening to me.”
Second, Anger—“Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Third, Bargaining—“Make this not happen, and in return I will…” Fourth, Depression—“I’m too sad to do anything.”
And, finally, Acceptance—“I’m at peace with what happened.”
If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and everyone who grieves goes through these stages. And contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage to know that you’re healed. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of the stages. If you do go through these stages, you may not go through them in the same sequential order. So don’t worry about what you should be feeling or what stage you’re supposed to be in.
Dr Kubler-Ross herself never intended these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said the five stages of grief “were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss because there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
The pain of grief can often cause one to withdraw from others and retreat into a shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to healing from loss. Even if you’re not comfortable with talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you are grieving. While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easy to carry, that doesn’t mean that every time you interact with friends and family you need to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.
Some suggestions for grief support include:
• Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you even as you try to be strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them, draw friends and loved ones close. Spend time together face-to-face and accept the assistance they offer.
• Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort that mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you such as praying, meditating, and going to church can offer solace.
• Join a support group. Grief can feel very lonely, but when you have loved ones around, sharing your sorrow with others who’ve experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers. Talk to a therapist or grief counselor. If your grief feels like too much, then contact a mental health professional.
• Take care of yourself as you grieve. When you are grieving, it is more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and your emotional reserves. Looking after yourself and your emotional needs can help you get through this very difficult time.
Daniel J Jachimiak, BA, is a writer and speaker. Dan can be reached at djachimiak@bex.net or 419 787-2036. ✲
