“I don’t know what love is, but I think it might be you...” + Lady Gaga, from A Star Is Born
FALLING IN LOVE can feel exciting, even exhilarating. But over time, these feelings may change to something more mellow and calm. This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. You may find yourself thinking, “I love him” instead of “I’m in love with him.”
Loving someone instead of feeling “in love” with them simply illustrates how feelings of love evolve over the course of a relationship.
Love takes a lot of forms, and it can change over time. These are some of the ways your feelings may change when you love your partner but don’t necessarily feel in love with them: When you first fall in love, you might not only idealize your partner, but also want to present an idealized version of yourself. You might, for example, always try to look your best. Or maybe you try to hide what you believe are flaws that might turn off your partner. But over time, as your relationship strengthens, you may feel more at ease being yourself. This means you’ve switched over to a realistic view instead of idealized versions of each other.
You see and accept the good with the less than good. Your partner, like you, is an imperfect human. They have good traits, of course, which probably helped you fall in love with them. But they most likely have some aspects of personality or habits you don’t find so great. Loving someone requires you to see them wholly and accept all their parts, just as they see and accept all of you. Minor flaws often don’t really matter over the long term. And your relationship takes more work. It’s easy to give a relationship your all when you are head over heels in love. The relationship proceeds smoothly, and the two of you seem to be on the same page about absolutely everything. This isn’t sustainable over time. Eventually you may need to prioritize your partner slightly less to take care of daily life. Spending time together may seem less natural and easy. But love means you keep trying and make an effort to show you care.
And finally, loving someone can involve a sense of strong connection and trust. Your partner is probably the first person you turn to when feeling down and the first person you want to share your successes and aspirations with. You’re a team—sometimes you might feel like a single unit.
So, you know you love your partner, but you think you may not be in love with them any longer. That’s perfectly alright. In fact, you might even feel a bit relieved to know your hormones have settled down a little. Some people prefer the excitement of being in love. Others prefer the intimate, deep connection associated with long-term love. Many people work toward long-term relationships for this very reason.
What you want out of a relationship may make one seem better than the other, but healthy relationships are possible with either. Long-term love involves commitment. If you and your partner devote effort to maintain your bond, at the very least, you’ll probably have a strong relationship.
And you just might keep that actively “in love” feeling alive, too.
Daniel J Jachimiak, BA, is a writer and speaker. Dan can be reached at djachimiak@bex.net or 419-787-2036.
