THE START OF A NEW SCHOOL YEAR is an exciting time for kids. Different teachers, bigger academic challenges, and changing relationships and social dynamics await them. It’s only natural for them to feel a bit uneasy as they learn to navigate these uncertain waters. This year those “waters” may be even choppier than usual as kids readjust to full-time in-person learning after more than a year of remote or hybrid-schedule classes during COVID.
However, for kids who have been targeted for bullying, the thought of going back to school can produce negative emotions that go far beyond normal back-to-school “butterflies.” In some cases, the intense emotions that stem from bullying can even lead to suicidal ideation or actions on the victim’s part.
While there’s no simple solution to the problem of bullying, there are steps parents can take to empower and protect their kids without adding fuel to the fire. They include:
Open the lines of communication
If you suspect your child is being bullied at school or you know they were in the past, it’s vitally important to keep the channels of communication open as the school year progresses. Sit down with your child after school each day to discuss the day’s events and interactions with peers. Listen; don’t interrogate or lecture. Assure them that talking to an adult about a bullying problem is not a form of tattling; it’s a mature way to seek help.
If your child communicates that they are being bullied, try to remain calm and discuss the situation rationally. Ask for specific details, such as who’s doing the bullying, the type of bullying, and when and where the bullying is taking place. Offer reassurance that you are going to help resolve the problem constructively. You may feel a powerful impulse to charge headlong into the situation in an effort to find an immediate solution, but that will only add to your child’s stress and might actually make the problem worse—which is the last thing your child wants.
Don’t be dismissive
Some parents are reluctant to intervene when their child is being bullied because they dismiss bullying as a normal part of growing up or “just kids being kids.” But would they would feel the same way about an adult coworker routinely harassing or beating up another coworker, or a nursing home employee continually picking on or beating up a resident? We don’t tolerate such behavior in adults, so we shouldn’t tolerate it in kids.
Encourage assertiveness, not retaliation
It’s best to respond assertively, but not aggressively, to bullying behavior. Teach your child to give a firm, concise statement (such as “Stop it, now!”) or, if possible, ignore the bully and then promptly leave the situation and seek guidance from an adult.
For little children, it can be helpful to rehearse responses, possibly using stuffed animals or puppets to act out how to speak and behave in different bullying scenarios. Also, encourage your child to avoid expressing feelings of anger, intimidation, or fear in response to the bullying behavior. These emotional reactions only serve to reward the bully.
It’s generally not productive to encourage bullying victims to fight back. Bullies, by nature, tend to target kids who are smaller or weaker than they are. All too often, fighting back simply leads to an escalation of the bullying.
Talk to the teacher
Most bullies are on their best behavior around authority figures, so don’t assume your child’s teacher is aware of the bullying. Schedule an appointment with the teacher to talk about the problem. Share the specifics of the situation and how the bullying is affecting your child at home. Also, ask the teacher to advise other school staff of the problem so they can help keep an eye on things and intervene if necessary. If the teacher downplays or dismisses your concerns or doesn’t seem willing to help you find a solution, take your problem up the chain to the school principal.
Tell your child there’s safety in numbers
Bullies usually target victims in situations where they are alone and there is minimal or no adult supervision, such as at recess, in school hallways, on the bus, or while walking home, so encourage your child to stay close to friends or siblings in these situations. To the extent possible, take steps to minimize situations where your child is likely to wind up alone with the bully.
Be aware of cyberbullying
When most adults think of bullying, the old-fashioned schoolyard kind is what usually comes to mind. While face-to-face bullying continues to be an issue, kids these days are also being subjected to cyberbullying, which is harassment or intimidation that takes place online, for example via social media; text messaging or messaging apps; or online forums, chat rooms, message boards, or gaming communities.
Cyberbullying is especially insidious because it is often done anonymously, making it difficult to identify the perpetrator. The comfort of anonymity can encourage bullies to be even more cruel or aggressive than they might be in person. Furthermore, technology allows bullying messages to reach a very large population of people with minimal effort and to follow victims wherever they go.
According to the website stopbullying.gov, some of the warning signs that a child may be involved in cyberbullying include:
• Noticeable increases or decreases in device use, including texting.
• A child exhibits emotional responses (laughter, anger, upset) to what is happening on their device.
• A child hides their screen or device when others are near and avoids discussion about what they are doing on their device.
• Social media accounts are shut down or new ones appear.
• A child starts to avoid social situations, even those that were enjoyed in the past.
• A child becomes withdrawn or depressed or loses interest in people and activities.
It’s important for parents to establish clear rules of what constitutes acceptable use of the computer, smartphone, or other devices and to be aware of what their kids are doing online. To help protect kids from cyberbullying, parents should:
• Know the sites their kids visit and their online activities. Ask where they’re going, what they’re doing, and who they’re doing it with.
• Review their kids’ online communications if they think there is reason for concern. Parental control filtering software or monitoring programs can be helpful, but parents should not rely solely on these tools.
• Have a sense of what they do online and in texts. Learn about the sites they like. Try out the devices they use.
• Ask for their passwords, but tell them you’ll only use them in case of emergency.
• Ask to “friend” or “follow” your kids on social media sites, or ask another trusted adult to do so.
• Encourage your kids to tell you immediately if they or someone they know is being cyberbullied. Explain that you will not take away their computers or cell phone if they confide in you about a problem they are having.
Encourage your child’s individuality
Bullies attempt to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy by calling attention to differences in others, such as a unique hairstyle, excess body weight, prominent physical features, personality quirks, or even advantageous characteristics that they resent or envy, such as superior academic performance or musical aptitude. Be sure to encourage your child’s individuality by praising and promoting their unique abilities and attributes. After all, self-confidence is the greatest antidote to bullying. ✲
