WHEN IWAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, I did what was popular at the time–made a list of what I wanted my future husband to be like.
Now with dating apps, there are so many options out there, I can make that list come true, right? A way to meet the ideal, the tall, brown-haired, attractive runner, who is intelligent and rich, the man I dreamed of and will help make my dreams come true. Then I find out he leaves his socks on the floor, dreams crushed and it's all over from there. It's all anger because he left his socks on the floor, no forgiveness for him! Good riddance!
So I went on bad dates.
Dating is a journey and a part of that is going on a lot of bad dates and having a good vetting system to know who you are really attracting. The sole purpose of dating is not about checking people off your list or finding the one who can answer all the interview questions that I need checked off.
Maybe get good at dating.
Hmm, if you value commitment and you want to build a family foundation, then you find a person you actually like and get married. Guess what you are still going to do with that person, as you should, date!
You would go out, do fun things together, flirt and have all the mundane conversations that started your relationship. If what I choose is to live my life with someone for 30, 40, 60 years and make some really hard decisions with them, then I might as well like them and I might as well get good at dating so they like me, too.
One day neither will agree.
The aspect not often discussed is what happens when you begin to like them. Then one day, unexpectedly, they turn into someone else. They have their own judgements and opinions. Minor things become a big deal. They show you their worst side and they still want to be loved. And you probably do, too. Do you just accept it, give in and do what they want? Do you pick fights and make them do what you want? Or do you find the middle somehow and figure out how to negotiate?
Psychologist Jordan Peterson changed my perspective on dating in his book, “Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life.”
He assumes that when you are married, you may go on a hundred dates a year. And if you are married for 30 more years, 30 times 100 is 3,000 times. And the outcome is that many dates were worse than good and yet here you are stuck in this relationship. He is still leaving his socks on the floor 30 years later. You still have not managed to get things right after all this time.
Now what?
Peterson said there are three fundamental states of social being: tyranny (You do what I want), slavery (I do what you want) or negotiation.
In short, we have gotten the my way or the highway part down or the I’ll resign, ignore or fight you to attempt at getting what I want, instead of just saying I don’t like that you leave your socks on the floor or maybe leave a pile of socks and not wash them for a week, that way he may notice the problem and then begin the journey of sharing what needs to be done differently.
Somehow, with all our seemingly endless options, we don’t talk about negotiation and how it's not a natural thing. It doesn’t just happen that you wake up and become good at negotiating.
Peterson said, “You want to negotiate. The question is, ‘What is going to make you desperate enough to negotiate?’ And that is one of the mysteries that must be addressed if you wish to keep the romance alive in your relationship.”
Somehow, I wish I had said yes to men who have asked me out, even if I thought I had good reasons not to, that I didn’t see a future, or didn’t even find them attractive.
Perhaps it is just a date, not a list and it could be a fun way to socialize, build relationships with people and put the reps in learning this skill called negotiation. ✲
